Tuesday, December 16, 2008

running revival take 3....

 hi guys!!

 well, I am making my third attempt at running on a consistent basis since little Todd was born 13 months ago. my running has been very sporadic and erratic in every way imaginable since last November. Words can not express how happy I am to have my family. My kids are everything.. haha but sometimes I think my Achilles heel.. is that my kids are everything. 
 My husband works out of town monday through friday and I am EXTREMELY limited in getting someone to help me watch the kids ( even for an hour or two, come on!) so I can run.. ALSO.. since brock is gone all the time working very long hours.. the last thing he wants to do is babysit when he comes home because he is so tired. SO the past year, in essence I have watched my kids pretty much 24-7 with very little reprieve..
 I have a treadmill and an elliptical, and I kinetic trainer for my road bike. but there is just no comparison to training and running outside. 
 I get so depressed and discouraged because I feel so trapped, tired( constantly tired) and pretty much filled with self loathing in general.  I struggle inwardly because I feel EXTREMELY selfish for wanting things to be the way they were when my first son was small.. my husband, was home every evening. I could go run,  I would race on weekends.. it was a wonderful social outlet, and I was healthy and FELT GREAT about myself.. 
now I just feel sluggish, toxic, tired and old.  I feel like I'm sacrificing myself COMPLETELY to just be perfect supportive unwavering wife, and SUPER MOMMMY and there is zero time to myself or any energy left for me.  and then I feel guilty because I complain that brock works too much, when really in this economy, I should be HAPPY he has so much work..  Brock is sacrificing for us.. He doesn't want to be working out of town week after week after week. 

SO... after months of being in the doldrums of depression..over this, over never getting to really spend that much quality family time with brock and feeling like he is missing out on so much of our kids lives,  over the loss of my brother, I have decided I have GOT to make myself run everyday.. even if its on a treadmill.. I have completely guilted my mom into agreeing to watch the kids for me for 2 hours twice a week for me to get in 10 mi runs--- because I am sliding into a deep dark abyss, I am so afraid I won't be able to pull out of-- I'm afraid I'm going to end up being this tired, haggard shell of myself..  and while I act like everything is all perfect on the exterior, on the inside I'll just be this bitter, resentful person.. ( ALL OVER RUNNING??) 
 I don't know how to describe it, but running really HELPS ME..  it is this detoxifying experience in every sense of the word. It makes me feel better and stronger physically, it makes me calmer mentally.. clears away all the mental clutter and noise... 

ALSO...  I am in the planning phase for next year's CTR 10k!!

 I have it up on state of franklin track club's website. it's listed under EVENTS.. the day is going to be 8-15-09!  www.runtricities.org

 here is a link for the entry form! I am including a 2 mi walk this year as well!


 the race truly is something special in my life!!  I can't wait to see how this year's race unfolds..  I do enjoy each phase and aspect of getting it ready!! august will be here before you know it!!

 I am shooting for running MB half- marathon on valentines day as a fun run.. and I am just hoping and praying that  work settles down some for brock so he isn't so overwhelmed..

I'm going to richalnds tomorrow( an hour away) for a 10 mi run, My parents live there and my mom is going to  watch the kids while I go run... so here I go, let's hope I can maintain focus and things will go smoothly for me for here on out..  fingers crossed. 


Some guy named John said...

Good luck getting back in the running groove! Hopefully, you'll feel better about the other stuff when you do. In any case, I find that I need running most precisely when other aspects of life are stressing me.

Oh, and I'm already looking forward to the 2009 CTR 10K in August!

jenn said...

thanks john! I think that me, picking myself up and MAKING myself RUN regardless if I'm tired or inside the house.. once I do it everyday for a couple weeks, I think there will be a big difference.. most things are all about perception... I think me being home with the kids makes me very fixated on "self".. and everyone has peaks and valleys in their lives..
I felt SO much better just venting and writing exactly how I felt in that blog.. I just hate to use that as a forum for me whining.. hopefully, I wont have any more whiney posts:o)

please come to the race this summer!! hopefully, I'll be able to get out to some in the tri state area here soon, and we'll race at some of the same races before then!!
take care!